Innocence

I have always been cautious, cautious enough to stop the gazes, to avoid eye contact. Nobody knows me in these streets, I will never let them find out. Everywhere I go, all I can think of is how they see me, view me as a person. Do they condemn me? Am I just another laughing stock? Is this what being born into this world meant? To be shunned, outcasted by the ones I call friends? How did it come to this? I was always such a nice girl, I made a ton of friends, everyone loved me. Yet the stares, it started, it started this…this paranoia. How did they get it? Did they sneak a photo of me, while I wasn’t looking? What did they do?? All I know is that they found out who I really am. A girl born with the wrong set of genitalia, laughed at for being different. It was humiliating, they didn’t want to do anything with me anymore. All my friends, they’ve left as soon as they heard the news. I heard those terrible things they said about me. “Freak” “Gross”. Those words emitting from the voices of those who I call friends, they scar me to this day. My parents were supportive, but they were never really with me. I felt their shame and they weren’t subtle about it. They would often feel frustrated whenever I told them how I felt and how school was getting tougher for me. I even wanted us to move out due to the severity to the situation. They never wanted to listen to me, they thought I was overreacting or just being a big baby. Eventually, my school became bombarded with name calling and bullying. I was known as the “Freak of nature” in school, and that name has been burned deeply into my chest. It was traumatising, I didn’t even want to go to school anymore. I couldn’t take it. There was no one that loved me, no one who even gave a single damn about me. Why was I born this way? Did god create me just for half-time entertainment? Just to be an object for everyone to toy with? There was still hope, I had met a community that had accepted me for who I am. They were friendly and welcomed me with a warm embrace. I have never felt so loved. They were awesome people, Fedrick, Kyle, Simone, all of them. They knew how I felt and knew what I needed. It was like a gift made for me and only me. We shared our feelings and thoughts, and learned how to cope with the stresses of being one. It was the best experience I ever had in my life. Then, one day, it came crashing down on me like a bulldozer. The communal spaces for us to gather had to be torn down, reconstructed to fit in another apartment building. It was absurd and heart-breaking. Where would I go, without them, I don’t know what to do. There is nothing left to live for. It is all I had after that stupid incident. I have to run away, run away from this hell that I put myself through. It is all one cruel joke, set by a self-centred comedian who knew nothing. There is only one way out from this. The only escape I have left. The gun is by my hand, all I need to do now is to point it to my head and pull the trigger. It will all be over in just a few seconds. I look to my hands, they’re shaking. I started to tear up, is this what my life meant? I close my eyes and imagined it, a world where I could live a normal life. I could hear it, I could smell it, I could see it. I smile and chuckled to myself. This cruel joke will finally have a happy ending. Without a second thought, I pulled the trigger and the bullet broke through my skull and pierced my brain. As my body slowly turns into a corpse, I saw something. Something that I could bring with me to the afterlife. It was a girl, happily playing with her friends as her parents watched. They were smiling too. For once, I was happy for her, happy that she had lived through that life that I miss dearly. There would be no more memories now, only sweet dreams.